holy fucking shit

my mind has exponentially expanded over the last few days. i went from a deep low point to my horizons being figuratively cleared. my image of myself has sharpened intensely, exposing every peak and trough sewn throughout the lines in my face. im seeing myself so much clearer that im seeing my in an entirely different way. ok so to back it up, on wednesday i had a breakdown at work. i had been working fine all day, still a little under the weather and under the mask, but getting through it. as the day went on, i guess i started to really detach from work and ended up spiraling on the inside while engaging with customers and doing my job. i caught myself thinking i want to fucking blow my brains out while molding a customers insoles, immediately started mentally slipping and fell into a loop, but somehow i managed to cleanly end up in the back room where i decided to curl up in a corner for a second. this loosened the herculean defense i had been holding up maintaining face just enough for me to just start crying, then alisha came by, knocked over a chair and noticed me sitting there, and i just started bawling. she sat there with me while i just dumped all over her whilst sobbing until i finally collected myself. this got me sent home early and since i got home that day, ive used any free space in my mind trying to understand the situation. honestly, couldnt tell you what the fuck happened, not because i cant explain, which for the record definitely can give reason, but im not letting myself do it. i dont feel the need to. its a waste of energy to me. and this undesire to try to explain myself has left me so much room to see the opportunity that can and will come of the situation. the only things that i know for sure is that i had a moment and it happened at work, everything else is an unpredictable variable. that being said, i know that my next move has to be a change of work. through that line of thinking, ive honed my vision of myself: what i want to do, who i want to be, who i am. that all aside, the contrast from my mental right now from the spot i hit on Wednesday is night and day. there was not a vacuum when i abandoned the doubt and fear. what instead was left was hope. i felt like i had searched high and low, but couldnt find it and thought id lost it completely. little did i know it was hiding behind the reality that i was not ready to face. frankly, one of the biggest things ive learned from the situation was that there is no hope in that building, and a place without hope is not a place for me. i know that i am not where i want to be, and now i know better than ever who i am and where i want to be. finally, i think im beginning to understand how i am gonna get there. so lets fucking do it.